Wednesday, March 7, 2012

"Martha Stewart: Tips for Rednecks"

A friend sent this to me. It was so hilarious, I could not pass up sharing it here.
Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks

GENERAL:
Never take a beer to a job interview
Always identify people in your yard before shooting them
It is not good etiquette to take a cooler to church
IF you have to vacuum under the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you are certain that you are in the will, it is considered tacky to drive 
the U-Haul to the funeral home
DINING OUT:
When decanting wine, make sure you tip the paper cup, and pour slowly, so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
It is considered improper to pick at any body parts
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
Do not allow the dog to eat from the table, no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guests leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a ladies jewelry and alter the taste of food.
DATING
(outside the family)
Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you for awhile now, since reading all that stuff on the bathroom wall."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10PM; others may tell you "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's duty to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie is over.
Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proved, they can't hear you
WEDDINGS
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds, could get you shot
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt could create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, socks and shoes should be worn for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a 4-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always wins.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring you back some beer.
DO NOT lay rubber while in a funeral procession.
(Written by: Unknown)

4 comments:

  1. That is hilarious. Martha found a sense of humor while incarcerated!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is hilarious. : ) She was incarcerated here in West Virginia, so I am thinking her 6 month visit was well rewarded. There is the wing named after her at the prison and she left these scratchings on the wall there. j/k

      Delete
  2. This is utterly funny. Not politically correct, but incredibly funny. And so fitting, given the purported context.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Sometimes when dealing with hillbillies you just have to tell it like it is. : ) j/k
      For instance occasionally someone will run into Walmart at 2am, steal a motorized cart to take them to the local strip club, bcuz I take it they think it is free lap dances for the handicapped night(?) Idk then they act all surprised bcuz on top of the dui charges they are given a stolen property charge... well duh... so sometimes ppl juz need a little reminders. )

      Delete

Like the posting? Give Me a Hollerback here! Don't like it, well post a hollerback anyway, if you'ant to!