Monday, January 28, 2013

"Guest Spot Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose"

Today I have the honor of having writer and blogger Lily who blogs @Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose along with spawn by her side guesting here.  Now I don't know if you've ever visited her blog she writes some of most hilarious postings in the blogosphere. Lily is also one of the contributors to the book All Cracked Up  'All Cracked Up' is a great collection of  stories that encompasses everything from life and love to the downright naughty. When I was first asked Lily about doing a guest spot over here a friend was still dealing with a really bad D-I-V-O-R-C-E. She inducted herself into her own First Wives Club and the rest of us who have never dealt with this kind of blow just followed along trying to be there for our friend. Due to our need to help our friend we became investigators and spies to out her ex husbands traitorous cheating ways. I look back on everything and think, OMG what we will do for a friend who is upset and hurting, huh? I asked Lily about her opinions on relationships and embarrassment and she shared hers...
The Object of my Affections

Today I decided to take a giant leap of faith and do something that I had been putting off for a very long time.
Fed up with my cowardly nature and sick and tired of whingeing about "what if", I decided that today would be the day that I finally approached the object of my affections and told him exactly how I felt about him.
Brimming with a new found confidence and with my wing-man firmly by my side...that's my Spawn in case you were wondering, I quickly made my descent to the place where I knew that he would be.
On arriving at my destination and with a swell in my heart...which could possibly have been a symptom of some undiagnosed Aortic condition...I entered the shop and suddenly stopped dead in my tracks at the spectacular vision that greeted me.
There he stood, blond hair blowing wildly in the summer's breeze, muscles almost ripping through the cotton of his shirt.  His pecs did a slight dance of contraction as his sinewy arms stretched up to grab something off the top shelf that was just beyond reach. 
As he turned and looked in my direction, I almost gasped out loud and caught my breath in wonderment, as his smile radiated the light of a thousand light bulbs and butterflies danced around his head, interacting with the glow of the halo surrounding his golden flaxen mane.

Overcome by such a glorious apparition, I returned his smile, my heart bursting with joy...or a ruptured blood vessel...only for the smile to abruptly die upon my lips. For it turned out that the gleam from his pearly white teeth was not meant for me but for the equally flaxen haired beauty who was now stood graciously before him.
Immediately I was filled with a sense of rage, my heart broken and shattered. Who was this beautiful creature talking to MY man. Where had she mysteriously appeared from? There the two of them were, laughing and joking and I suddenly felt like a fool. I wanted to hurt her. Pull out her flaxen hair one flax at a time, though I wasn't even sure if the word flax actually existed.

 Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit, for here we were, stood in the middle of a cake shop and the flaxen haired beauty was really a 80 year old woman...with a hump. And OK, he may not have been flirting and was merely serving her as he would any other customer but the way in which she asked for half a dozen crusty rolls, left me in no doubt that what she really meant was, "I want you to take me big boy and ravish me between the Belgian buns and the split finger doughnuts.
After Thor had finished serving and the old wench  woman had finally left the shop, he turned towards me and let blast the full force of his radiating, incandescent, luminous and any other word that I could find via the thesaurus, smile and I melted.

 Hello again. It's good to see you.

Uh oh! In my haste to profess my love for this god like being, I had completely forgotten that in order to do so, then I would have to speak...actual words...with structure...and comprehension...and ones that made sense. SHIT!!!!
 I wasn't quite sure if I was up to such a challenge but I had to give it a try. I couldn't stand a lifetime thinking, 'if only'. So I took the plunge and decided to forge ahead.

So how are you?

 I'm good thanks. And you? (phew, so far so good)

All the better for seeing you. (smiles with a radiance that brings forth butterflies and turtle doves)

Hee haw, hee haw! (Me, laughing like a horse's ass)

 So what can I do for you today? (said with a voice so silky that silk worms automatically start spinning their threads)

 Impregnate me with your majestic seed. (uh oh!)

 Excuse me?? (The birds that had been feeding from his hands and the deer that had been frolicking gaily among the 'pain au chocolate,' suddenly bolt for the door)

Erm...I said can I have some of those bagels with the sesame seeds?

 Oh, for a moment I thought you said something else. How many would you like?

 Sex...SIX, I meant SIX BAGELS... can I have SIX bagels please? (starts sweating profusely)

 Hee hee, you said s.e.x instead of six...how embarrassing.

(Thor fetching and bagging seeded purchases) So are you guys doing anything special for the rest of the evening?

You have blond hair! (And I seem to have Tourettes)



(Me trying to cover up the embarrassing silence) I mean its not really blond...more of a dirty blond really...I don't mean dirty as in, you know, covered in dirt...more like you haven't washed it in a while...not saying that you don't wash your hair because I'm sure you do because you look like someone who washes once in a while...when I say once in a while, I'm not implying that you only bathe like once or twice a week because I'm sure you wash... as often as you wash your hair...





Wow I was wrong. Now THAT was embarrassing.

 Here's your bagels (practically throws bag at me in disgust)

(Me wishing that the ground would open up and swallow me...whole)
 Thank you (said in the smallest squeakiest voice that I could muster)

 Top ten most embarrassing moment EVER? THAT was definitely number one. Priceless.

Never have I exited a shop so quickly in my whole entire life, especially one filled with cakes. Never mind, not going to the cake shop has given me an incentive to start with my diet and I suddenly seem to have required an aversion to bagels...especially the kind with sesame seeds.
Lily

Wow Lily that was definitely an embarrassing moment that I can say, boy glad it wasn't me! I'm sorry if I laughed. Oh and before I forget to tell you, Lily is also one of the contributors to the book, All Cracked UpAll Cracked Up "is a collection of mostly true stories written by a group of talented writers. Volume I brings you 15 of the funniest writers and bloggers who have come together to make you laugh: from the great love of Nutella, to awkward encounters with the police during intimate moments, there's something for everyone in this collection!" This is where I am going to ask and/or beg you to check out this book. All Cracked Up is available at Amazon Many thanks to Lily for visiting today and for bringing her book along to share with you guys. I am hoping you will stop by and visit her blog Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose today, and hoping you'll also check out her book. Many, many thanks to Lily and spawn for dropping by. 

15 comments:

  1. LOve hilarious stories. I'll be checking out All Cracked Up.

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  2. This was so cool. I just discovered you blog and found one of my favorite bloggers guest posting. And I am in that book as well.

    Great post from Lily as usual.

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  3. So funny. I gave up flirting a long time ago when I realised I went bright red at the thought of it, which then warned every man in a 20 mile radius!

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  4. @Em Musing- :) I am always searching for stories that make me laugh too!
    @Brett- Cool! Glad you stopped by my blog today!
    @Annalisa- On flirting, me too. I am married, so flirting is out of the question. :)

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  5. GG, to this day, I can't look at a sesame seed bagel without feeling a pain in my chest...but that could probably be the heartburn.

    Thank you so much for asking me to be a guest poster. The pleasure was definitely all mine. xx

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  6. Ah yes, the chance to laugh at Lily's misadventures....actually I can relate, I had a similar scenario at a Subway with a girl I liked...I ended up going out with her a couple of times and then she became a lesbian, which is a post for another time.

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  7. Hilarious! And before I even wrote this comment, I ordered "All Cracked Up" for my Kindle. Can't wait to read it. (Although it's gonna have to wait its place in line...) Know what's more dangerous than a woman addicted to books? A woman addicted to books who has a big fat Amazon gift card!

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  8. Hi everyone. Gossip Girl has done a great job in promoting 'All Cracked up.' Even if I wasn't in it, I would still recommend it. It's a fantastic read, featuring some of the best and funniest bloggers in the blogosphere.

    Thanks again GG and thanks to all those who commented on my guest post. :)

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  9. Hysterical! Absolutely loved it! And always a plus to have two great bloggers in one place! Thanks G and Lily!

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  10. Amen MiMi...2 of the best in one spot, what a great surprise!

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  11. Many thanks for reading. Due to the snows and the ice here, I've been having some internet troubles. Gotta love all that bundling!

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  12. Oh Lily, it could have been worse, you could have torn your clothes off and thrown yourself at him over the hedgehog slices ... or maybe that would have been better.

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  13. Hilarious, Lily! I feel your pain. I have no problem talking to anyone except I get all stupid when it's someone I have a crush on. The next thing I know I'm talking to them about bowel movements (super sexy right?)

    I say you go back, bearing a gift of shampoo and offer to wash his hair ;)

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