Monday, March 18, 2013

Guest Posting Can't Keep It In No More

Due to the computer problems and cleaning jobs picking up I am a little behind on posting, reading blogs, emails, commenting and doing the whole blog thing so today I am posting another Pimp the old Blog that I was supposed to post earlier in the month. Today's guest is Donna, who blogs @Can't Keep It In No More She is another of my favorite bloggers. Oh yeah, she tells it like it is and like the title of her blog, she can't keep it in no more so if its on her mind, she blogs it. This lady is a real fighter and survivor of many abuses and I commend her for being brave and often telling her story in her postings. Donna says,

"When Gossip Girl's invitation to post on her blog arrived, I thought it was spam and couldn't believe when I realized who it was from.  You might delight in being asked to the Royal Palace to share fashion ideas with a pregnant princess, the State Dining Room at the White House, or the dumpster to dive with Honey Boo-Boo, but for me, there's no greater honor than blogging at whatever.  Thank you dearly, Blog Queen Gossip Girl.

As one might be unsure which cheek to kiss, how to dress, or the proper way to spit watermelon seeds, I hadn't a clue what to write for such a highly esteemed and regarded blog.  So I bolstered my courage and asked.  This (in part) was her reply, "anything about dealing with menopause or teens...and of course a bio of your book!"


I was in a quandary.  I suck at bio's and didn't know whether to explore hairy nipples or brooding teens?   I decided on both: hairy, brooding teen nipples, but just as I put tip to key, I received a facebook message from my son.  And yes, I said facebook message.  Hope you weren't expecting parenting antidotes or face-to-face talks.  My teen's an asshole.  And no, today I don't mean just asshole-ish.


I, on the other hand, am one crab ass mother who doesn't pinterest, hates Oprah, doesn't know the name of the pregnant princess and hasn't ever seen Honey's Boo Boo, except an interview where it was apparent the child is developmentally delayed. And I don't mean that as a joke.  It's actually pretty sick, but hey, so am I.  


"Fuck," is my favorite word and I'm so unbalanced I text it to my teens.  Oh, I used to try and say it under my breath, but simply don't give a fuck anymore.  What's gonna happen?  Are they gonna find me unfit and take em away?  Hahahahahaha I'm lolrotfflmfaoff.  No, they won't, cause mine are assholes and who needs an extra one of those?  This is usually when I say, "Don't judge," but go ahead.  I don't care. I already know I don't fit into a circle, square, triangle, hexagon or Hula hoop of moms, but am the only one I know who's single-handedly raised under 10 year olds for 33 years.  Can you spell, "O-v-e-r-I-t?  Here I'll help (actual message):


Mom, 


I hope you know that by taking two of my favorite things away from me, you have achieved absolutely nothing except for making me angry.  So sorry for helping you and sorry for actually being truthful and paying you back unlike other people. And what you did after i came back to help was just completely and utterly rude. 


By taking away the computer, you have technically taken things i have bought away from me without my permission and thats stealing. I have put lots of my own money and time into that computer and it would probably be loaded with virus' if it weren't for me and you just took it all away.  also with my phone, that is what i use to listen to music. I cant fall asleep without music, so by taking that away you have pretty much guaranteed that i am not gonna get good sleep tonight. Obviosly i can still talk to people so whats the point of taking it away? sure i could be less rude and i apologize for disrespecting you but would you rather have me not help at all?


I mean i know you think i don't do anything for you but i actualy do quite a bit, maybe not as much as you but i still do stuff and ill admit that.  i do have an attitude about it, but its becasue i have to sit in school seven hours a day which is practicly tortue for me and then i get home to finally play my video games which ive been looking foward to all day and i just have to do chore after chore and it gets me kind of angry.  so yeeah im sorry 


Teen son


Teen Son,


I regard your anger as my achievement seeing how I finally got your attention.  And while you're truthful and have paid me back (unlike other assholes I know) that's what you're supposed to do when you borrow money.  It means you're more responsible than some, but sadly doesn't make you more respectful. 


It was with great restraint and full intention I bestowed utter rudeness upon you so you needn't point it out.  However, I want to commend you in taking note of our give-and-take relationship.  One teen's 'stealing' appears to be another mom's 'repossessing'.  I give and will take when necessary.  Had I never given you the computer, I'm certain it wouldn't have contracted a virus for you to remove, but thanks for your diligence.  We can all rest a little easier,  except you, because you have no phone.  And just so you know, 'but' negates any apology given prior.


As to whether I prefer your help to being disrespected, my only answer is your dad and I divorced him.  Obviosly.  Do ya feel me?    I'm speakin your language here.  I mean, I know you think I don't do anything for you, but actually I do quite an obvios bit.   


I surmise school has taught you attitude, but when did you sign up for, 'Practicle Tortue'?  I didn't see it on your report card, but if they need volunteers, please let me know.  I'd also be happy to help with any homework.  I haven't seen, "Chore After Chore'.  Is it a new series where someone other than me works their ass off?  Sounds like a winner!  In the end son, I'm just not feeling your apology, but that's ok cause I can't remember where I put your phone or computer anyway. 


Warmly,


Mom  
Isn't she so funny? Oh I am far from being a blog queen of any kind. I read far too many great blogs to accept any title but that did make my head swell. I could barely get into the living room without bashing the side of my head on the archway. Oh goodness, before I forget to mention it Donna also has a book that I am hoping you will check out. Her book is titled Tryin To Figure It Out is available at Smashwords. Here is a description:

"Crazy Mama's quest for a pill to make her not want to punch people in the face anymore. For those who may be blissfully unaware, I want to preface this by acknowledging the word ghetto like many words, has evolved and changed from its original definition. These days the term is used to describe people, attitudes, culture, clothing, even diction. Yes, the ghetto has expanded and now is so much more. When I was young many who lived in the ghetto were African American, but for my purposes, I want to make it clear all the people in my ghetto are white. White as toilet paper. My son Ill-Willz’ how he's known in da hood. holds the record amongst all his friends for the most sales of dope to undercover officers. By now you'd think he'd realize he's just not cut out to be a dope dealer, but not my Illz. I didn't raise no quitter. He's dat tall white boi yal met up at da Speedway. Yal said you was good on dem thangs today. Yal should hit him up. I know I'd like to...right upside his head. Illz has an interesting swagger. It's necessary because he wears his pants around his knees. To prevent them from falling to his ankles he has to keep his feet spread about two feet apart and walk with straightened legs. Since his pants are around his knees, he keeps his butt covered by his size 25x Coogi shirt. For a long time I didn't understand his aversion to public transportation, but finally figured, with the way he wears his pants, it's impossible to board the bus. 
Illz is a stiff legged walking dichotomy. He has a pocket full of money, but no job, a car, but no license, standards, but no morals, a head but no brain. I figure if you can’t beat ‘em, you might as well profit off ‘em. All this has inspired me to create my own line of baby clothes and gear. You've heard of Baby Gap and Baby Phat? Well, my line will be called Baby Ghetto. Not sold in stores, but out of the trunks of strategically parked Chevy Caprices throughout the hood."

And that's just the beginning...

Again, many thanks to Donna for visiting on my blog today and I am hoping you will visit her blog, Can't Keep It In No More and check out her book and party like a Pope Star! 

8 comments:

  1. I went over there. At first she sounded a little hard to understand. Later I figured out that she has to be sarcastic. Right?

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  2. If you want to laugh, cry, or throw something at the cat in utter frustration, or sometimes all three, than Donna's yer woman.
    She inspires a range of emotions with her posts and is one of the most unique and open blogger around. :)

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  3. Donna really can't keep it in and that's what I love about her. She is most def real. She'll make you laugh, cry, cuss, pee yourself, oh, and my favorite, make liquids come out of your nose! Yeah. She's that funny and just really awesome..

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  4. @Alex- She is hilarious! I love reading her blog and just like a couple of the others have mentioned in comment she can definitely cause many emotions while reading her postings.
    Munir- She can definitely be that at times, but I still love her blogging style.
    @Lily and Mimi- Both of you are right on, she can definitely bring out a lot of emotions. I learned never to be eating or drinking while reading her postings!

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  5. Dear Gossip Girl, it's funny you posted this today as I'd recently decided you were Ashton Kutcher and I'd been Punked. I was so sad. So thank you for hosting me. I'm so honored to be here.

    Sir Alex, That is quite a compliment coming from you.


    Munir, No I mean every thing I say.

    Lily, We keep having this conversation. I know you are, but what am I? Don't throw cats, throw ex husbands.

    Mimi, You made me laugh for 5 minutes on your snowball post today.


    Thank you all for reading and GG I'll never call you Ashton again.

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  6. @MisAnthropy- Nah you weren't punked, but for a few I thought I was being punked starting when my computer went down. :/ Then out of the blue I had calls for one time help with spring cleanings that have kept me pretty busy lately. It seemed for awhile I wasn't getting any calls and then Bam I am so busy I barely recall March coming in like a lion. :/ I still have another one to post, and then will probably take a break from guest posting until later on when I am not so busy.

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  7. Please answer if you can because I can't remember if it came in like a lion and I'm pissed at that groundhog

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