Friday, January 3, 2014

"Things You Would Never Hear A Hillbilly Say... Ever"

I was attending a holiday party last weekend when these came to mind. Things you would never hear a hillbilly say... ever...
  • I'd rather not watch the Hee Haw Channel tonight
  • I think I'll just drive around that mud hole honey
  • When we retire we are moving up North.
  • I'm checking the stocks page in the local paper
  • Be careful with those fireworks they're dangerous
  • We should read the directions first
  • What's a moon pie?
  • I didn't know it was dangerous to ride in the back of a pickup
  • I wanna be just like the Kardashian's
  • Should I wear matching socks today?
  • Honey I'm think'in 'bout trad'in my pickup in for a smart car
  • I'll just have the salad please
  • I'd rather listen to rap music
  • Honey those pants makes your ass look too fat
  • There's no guns in this house officer
  • Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?
  • Can you turn on some Barry Manilow?
  • Let's call in a professional before I try the duck tape or silicone
  • I'd rather be shopping than hunting or fishing
  • Does lemon grass water and bean sprouts come with the meal?
  • I'll have a diet coke
  • I'll have the taffy instead of goo goo clusters
  • I'm gonna take English Literature for $1,000 Alex
  • Zima or Heineken?
  • Let's make a donation to Peta this year
  • I think those tires on my truck are too big
  • That fire looks very dangerous
  • I'd rather text than watch NASCAR
  • I think Big Gulp cups should only be 12 ounces
  • I'll just have a water
  • Can I have a knife and fork to eat my chicken?
  • Nope I'm not gonna drink this weekend
  • I think I've had too much alcohol to drink
  • Be careful lighting that BBQ grill
  • Let's read the directions before using the Turkey Fryer
  • Can you please pass the Parkay?
  • We really shouldn't drink before riding that lawn mower (or tractor)
  •  I really need to clean up the yard (Submitted by Alex J Cavanaugh)
  • "I'm bored with fishing." (submitted by Your Daily Dose)
  • "Hunting grosses me out." (submitted by Your Daily Dose)
  • "I'd rather be sleeping at 4 am than sitting in a deer stand." (submitted by Your Daily Dose)
  • "It's tacky having your old couch on the front porch." (submitted by Your Daily Dose)
  • "Is that a Skoal ring on your back pocket?" (submitted by Your Daily Dose)
  • "I want unsweetened tea." (submitted by L.Diane Wolfe)
REDNECK SAYINGS: Shoot I may just have an idea for another posting here
One popular saying around here is, "You so ugly your mom had to set you in a cornfield and feed ya with a sling shot!"
"She's so skinny you couldn't hit her with a handful of corn." (Submitted by Magical Mystical Mimi)
"You might be a redneck Jedi if your lightsaber has duct tape on it." (submitted by StrangePegs)
Shoot 'Round here those lightsabers are made of cardboard after the paper towels are gone (or at Christmas the cardboard left over from wrapping paper also makes a good light saber) duct taped together!

I am sure to come up with more of these And of course I welcome any in comment!


  1. Heck no! They always go for the duct tape first.
    Here's one - I think I'll clean up the front yard.

  2. Haha! The Grey Poupon one made me LOL—reminded me of the old commercials. :)

    Have a great Friday!

  3. Alex LOL on the duct tape you got that right!!!!:) And oh good one on the yard! I'm gonna add that one and of course give you the credit!!!

    Dana LOL on the commercial and a time or two I've yelled that out the car window! :) This function tho I really wanted to yell out "just ask for the mus-turd- dang!" :)

    There is nothing funnier than watching the country folk trying to attend a social function. Shucks maybe I should have posted the short back story to this first- duh! I may just have to do that!!!

  4. Hahahahahahahahaha! Having lived for 5 years down in the Twilight Zone known as the south, I can tell you first hand, these are 210% correct! Omg.. That "Honey, those pants make your ass look too fat" is so true! Omg.. That was the joke down there.. "They measure pretty by the pound!" My daughter used to get teased because she was thin! "She's so skinny you couldn't hit her with a handful of corn." - Seriously, they said that.. Omg.. So many funny memories from the south. I just laughed my way thru it all.
    Great post GG. :) Omg.. I'm still laughing..

  5. Yep. All true.

    "I'm bored with fishing."

    "Hunting grosses me out."

    "I'd rather be sleeping at 4am than sitting in a deer stand."

    "It's tacky having your old couch on the front porch."

    "Is that a Skoal ring on your back pocket?"

  6. Shelly What is scary is this list started when I wasn't even trying to funny! :)

    Mimi I didn't know you lived below the Mason/Dixon line at one time!!! :) The majority of hillbillies like some meat on their ladies bones. :)
    I added yours also, although you gave me an idea to do one with Hillbilly sayings now! :)

    Robin OMGosh Hilarious and All good ones and duly noted on the post!!!!

    Mimi and Robin- Thanks for sharing those!

  7. My favorite:

    "•I'm gonna take English Literature for $1,000 Alex"

    good stuff!

  8. JoeH If you like that one, then you'd really like hearing some hillbilly Shakespeare:

    Juliet: Cleatus! Cleatus! What'ya doin hid'in over thar in them danged booshes fer?

    Romeo: Mary Lou stop that danged holler'n b'fer yer daddy come out with guns a blaze'n!

    Sorry I just couldn't help myself

  9. LOL! Those are funny.

    "I want unsweetened tea."

  10. L Diane Good One!!! Now how in the heck did that even slip by? :) Duly noted! :)

  11. Isn't that the truth about the Unsweetened Tea.

  12. I like the redneck Jedi ones. And, speaking of duct tape:
    You might be a redneck Jedi if your lightsaber has duct tape on it.

  13. I feel like I've stumbled into a Clampbett's episode of The Beverly Hillbillies. You may not have tried to be funny; these sayings just are. Happy New Year, Gossip Girl!

  14. Sandra You have that right folks want their sweet tea! :)
    Andrew I don't think I've heard any redneck Jedi jokes. Way back we had a neighbor whose nickname was Jedi, but for all the wrong reasons. He looked like a skinnier version of Marty Feldman. Hilarious I hope you don't mind I am adding it! :)

  15. Denise It sort of feels that way doesn't it? :) With a little wine and to think that this idea for this posting started on a napkin over MusTurd when at a social function I heard one ask for Grey Poupon Mustard. :) Never in the life of hillbillydom has any hillbilly ever asked for Grey Poupon. :)


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