Friday, October 3, 2014

West Virginia Rules For City Slickers

My posts all week have been about Where I'm From In W.Va. Posting about it gave me an opportunity to air some of my frustrations about this town as depressing as they seemed. Here is some humor to lighten things up a bit...


Listen up transplants and city slickers, the rules of West Virginia is as follows:
  • Pull up those droopy pants. You look like an idiot.
  • Turn your cap around. Your head is not crooked.
  • Let's get this straight- it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive you are going to get dirt on your Lexus. Drive it, or pull off the road.
  • That smell you ask about, they're called farms and those animals are cattle. To you they're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. Get over it we don't have many of'em left 'round here!
  • So you drive a $60,000 vehicle. We're impressed! 'Round here farmers drive $100,000 tractors and hay balers that are only driven a couple of weeks a year. Instead of giving them the finger as you pass the line of traffic, give'em some respect on the roads!
  • Everyone in WV waves. We consider it being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
  • Hunting Lesson #1 If your cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming in during hunting season we will shoot that phone out of your hand. 
  • Hunting Lesson #2 The 'opener' down here refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday in these parts held on the Monday before Thanksgiving. 
  • Yeah, we eat taters, gravy, beans and cornbread. We fry our fish after 'catchin'em'. If ya really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
  • Down here the men open doors for women. That's to all women, regardless of age. Just because someone is being friendly and opens a door doesn't always make'em " suspect or suspicious acting."
  • Not every place serves up a 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Country ham or fried chicken is always on the menu. I suggest ordering the chef's salad and picking off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
  • When we set down to eat there are three main dishes on the table: Meats (includes fish), veggies, and bread.
  • We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce and ketchup. Oh, yea and we don't care what you city folks call that stuff you eat, it ain't real chili!!!
  • That 'coke' you are talking about better be brown, wet and served over ice.
  • If you say you are bringing 'Mary Jane'  she better be a girl, know how to shoot, and have long hair.
  • College and high school football is as important here as pro ball, and a dang site more fun to watch.
  • Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
  • Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards, it spooks the fish.
  • We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. So, don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
  • Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump noise ain't even music anyway. We don't want to hear it no more than we want to see your boxer shorts. (Any questions, refer back to: Pull up those droopy pants. You look like an idiot.)
  • Four inches of snow is not a blizzard, it's a flurry to us. Drive in it like you got some sense. Please stop taking all our bread, milk and toilet paper off the shelves of our grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a day without croissants, caviar and sushi.
  • The pickup trucks with snow blades will have you out the next day.
  • Out of towners...
It's not that big of a deal!!!!
If'n ya don't like this Get on I-81 and drive straight. It runs North and South.

Resources:
pic credit: Bluntcard
written by: unknown

3 comments:

  1. GG, I hate that trend of the boys wearing their pants so that their drawers show. Just awful. Some of them let them hang so far I worry that they will let go and pool around their ankles. For years, I told myself it was a Trend and it would leave. It's still here. Why? Why? Why?

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  2. Those are hilarious, especially the hunting ones.
    I have always opened the door for women. Just the proper thing to do.

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  3. Brilliant! Gave a good chuckle!

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