Thursday, June 2, 2016

Hillbillies and Summer Games

Yesterday was June 1st already. That means two things here. The annual hurricane season just started and Hillbilly Summertime is here.

Hillbilly summers are the greatest cuz' it means the official start of firework season. Hillbillies really don't need a reason or a season for fireworks though. They set'em off at other times even funerals. Now the official hillbilly summer even has a lighting of the torch ceremony kind of which is jest two drunks lighting bottle rockets from their  butt cracks!!! Last weekend was the grand hoorah with BBQ pitmaster wannabe's. They build their grills big to throw on a whole side of beef or an entire pig for those luau wannabe's. Often these amateur chefs are judged by the fire department and depends on how much damage was done. It never fails. Each year there is always that one clown who lights a grill on a wooden deck. This is also the start of the redneck back yard games.

Backyard Yard Darts: This game is often started by those drinking too much and then deciding on an innocent game of yard darts. The winner is declared by which internal organs are affected. Each body part has different scores.

Backyard Beer Pong: This is where teams of Beer Pong Champs get together for a competition of their own. Beer pong is the ultimate hillbilly challenge that none will walk away from. Of course the table is set up as in the normal beer pong fashion except before each throw you must drink a shot of any liquor of your choice, preferably Wild Turkey, Bacardi 151 or Uncle Joe's finest home made shine. The first one who passes out with his shoes on, is fair game. The last man standing is the winner, by default. You don't lose points on puking.
Toilet Seat Horseshoes: Played in the same fashion as regular horseshoes with the same scoring, except playing the game with toilet seats. Before each throw players must down beer in a beer bong. Ringing a spectator brings extra points! Ring your opponent and get a win by elimination. Extra bonus points can be gotten from any property damage or by hitting granny in her rocking chair.
Hillbilly Golfing: played like the regular game of golf but without Tiger Woods and the other golfing pro's. Rednecks make it more entertaining so that you don't find yourself sleeping. For instance this certain golfing obstacle includes a good bottle of Uncle Joe's home made shine and a case of beer- any choice. Before each swing one must down a beer and consume a mouthful of shine. In the end the last one left standing that hasn't fallen into the water is the winner! Extra people are on hand to judge the dismounts and falls for extra points and bigger points awarded to those who can outrun the DNR agents.

Golf Cart Races: are challenging because every hillbilly thinks and acts like they belong to the Nascar circuit. These races are done on the streets and roadways. In this race, only the most intoxicated qualify. This race is tricky, because lose your riding buddy, depending on the dismount could mean an immediate disqualification. Now extra points can be added if you are being chased by the police and how many police are chasing you and for how long they chase you.
Hillbilly Water Games: Where it never fails. Some drunk hillbilly yells "here hold my beer and watch this shit" and minutes later you hear the screaming sounds of either an ambulance or fire truck. Yeah the dismount and the outcome is always who has consumed the most alcohol. The scoring and the winner for this game will go to the one getting the $1,000 airlift to the hospital but only after all injuries are declared. Each broken bone grants bonus points.
All games are competed by friends and kin folk alike.

Official sponsor of this years redneck games is brought to you by the folks down at the Breakin' Wind Yacht Club



  1. Hillbilly golfing would be really entertaining to watch. I can see the Slip-n-Slide off the roof going really badly though.

  2. Sign me up for toilet horseshoes! I'm going right for Granny...

  3. YeeeHaw, Paw!! If this is fun in Arkkkansaw, just think of what it'll be like in Seventh-Heaven, maw. I realize the following is literally above any other superfluous objective mosta U.S. mortals can conceive; however, while I didn't descend into Hell for my sins, I ascended till I saw the Celestial City far away. Wanna heer bout it??

    Lemme fill-you-up withe efficacious epiphany, the avant-gardness and necessary wisdom to achieve Heaven, dear, if ya desire Heaven (many dont, preferring to stay 'laissez-faire' [i dont care] till death).

    If 'freedom lies in being bold' (Robert Frost), doesn't pushing-the-envelope also result in the Elysian Fields of Utopia? And if I'm the sower, we plant the Seed; if I'm an artist, we RITE the symphonies heard Upstairs ☆IF☆ we accept His lead withe orchestra...

    Wanna find-out the fax, Jak, in a wurld fulla the 'power of cowards'? Wanna wiseabove to help a poor 'Plethora Of Wurdz' [POW!] which are look'n for a new home in thy novelty?? Yay!

    Q: But [gulp] can anyone tell me the difference between K2/IQ? A: Nthn. In Heaven, we gitt'm both HA! Need a few more thots, ideers, wild wurdz (whoa, Nelly! easy, girl!) or ironclad iconoclasms?

    VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI (Latin: words to [the] wise): As an ex-writer of the sassy, savvy, schizophenia we all go thro in this lifelong demise, I wanna help U.S. git past the ping-pong, pop-cult-politixx, the whorizontal more!ass! we're in and wiseabove to 'in fin sine fin' (Latin: in [the] End without End -Saint Augustine).

    "This finite existence is only a test, son," God Almighty told me in my coma. "Far beyond thy earthly tempest you'll find tangible, corpulent eloquence". Lemme tella youse without d'New Joisey accent...

    I actually saw Seventh-Heaven when we died: you couldn't GET!! any moe curly, party-hardy-endorphins, low-hanging-fruit of the Celestial Paradise, extravagantly-surplus-lush Upstairs (awww! baby kitties, too!!) when my beautifull, brilliant, bombastic girly passed-away due to those wry, sardonic satires...

    "Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness as bright as stars for all eternity" -Daniel 12:3, NJB

    Here's also what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you' -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

    Go gitt'm, girly. You're incredible. You're indelible. Cya soon. I won't be joining'm in the nasty Abyss where Isis prowls
    PS Need summore unique, uncivilized, useless names?? Lemme gonna gitcha started, brudda:

    Oak Woods, Franky Sparks, Athena Noble, Autumn Rose, Faith Bishop, Dolly Martin, Willow Rhodes, Cocoa Major, Roman Stone, Bullwark Burnhart, Magnus Wilde, Kardiak Arrest, Will Wright, Goldy Silvers, Penelope Summers, Sophie Sharp, Violet Snow, Lizzy Roach, BoxxaRoxx, Aunty Dotey, Romero Stark, Zacharia Neptoon, Mercurio Morrissey, Fritz & Felix Franz, Victor Payne, Isabella Silverstein, Mercedes Kennedy, Redd Rust, Phoenix Martini, Ivy Squire, Sauer Wolfe, Yankee Cooky, blessed b9... (or mixNmatch)

    God blessa youse
    -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL
    the war AGAINST women...


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